As everyone knows, a very expensive college degree that will take decades of backbreaking work to pay off is essential if you want to prepare for life’s struggles, including World War III!
Check out these eight college courses that will better prepare you for life in the trenches:
1) Siberian gender studies: Know your enemy! They won’t do you the courtesy of announcing their pronouns!
2) Introduction to Shakespeare: If you’re gonna die anyway, you might as well learn something beautiful first.
3) Atheism 101: They say there are no atheists in foxholes. Pooh! Let’s fix this.
4) Call of Duty in your dorm: Not technically a class, but you’ll learn more here than anywhere else, especially how to honor your fallen comrades.
5) Construction of a bunker: An excellent minor for the budding architect.
6) Model UN: Learn how to build strongly worded notes that evil regimes will laugh at and throw in the trash!
7) Dismantling heteronormative Christian patriarchy in Russia and beyond: No point defending Ukraine if we can’t seize the opportunity to Build Back Better™.
8) Nuclear Physics: So you can explain exactly what happens when your face melts.
Remember that even if you die, you can serve a great purpose by validating your teacher’s political views as you attack enemy forces with progressive zeal. We are all in the same boat!
NOT SATIRE: Skip college and fast track your way to an awesome career + financial independence. Do you have a good work ethic but are you bored in school? So do something else instead. This 12-month program will help you get out of the classroom and into a great career with a fast-growing company (all while avoiding student debt).
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